RIP Dalton; Prepare to turn over in your grave Jed Eckert

Facebook just blew up and alerted me to the fact that Patrick Swayze just died from pancreatic cancer. He was 57. I don’t particularly give a damn about Hollywood or about pop culture in general (other than to know the answers for Jeopardy, whenever they call), but every once in a good while I run into someone I genuinely admire. Patrick Swayze was one of those guys. Great actor, by all accounts a good human being, and he took on, nay personified some of the most memorable roles in my lifetime.

First of all, he’s Dalton. FREAKING DALTON from “Roadhouse,” the movie that made every little boy want to become a bouncer. And he was Johnny from “Dirty Dancing,” which made being a male dance instructor seem less gay (and he was a pimp – that helped). “Ghost” was the penultimate 2nd base movie for high schoolers in the 90s, and he rocked that. Bodhi from “Point Break” made both surfing and bank robbing chic (helps that he played opposite uber-goober Keanu Reeves). And many other movies that I will stop channel surfing to watch: “Uncommon Valor“, “The Outsiders“, “North and South”, “To Wong Foo” (yeah, I said it), “Black Dog“, “Next of Kin”, and the list does go on. Pretty much anything except “Father Hood,” because that was a blatant sell out. And the ultimate movie for an 8-year-old-war-is-the-coolest-and-I-am-invincible-me: “Red Dawn.” The movie has tons of pop culture references (”GTA: San Andreas” comes immediately to mind). And this is part of the show where the heartfelt “R.I.P.” ends and the “W.T.F.” begins.

As I try to be as factual with my opinions as I can, I wanted to make sure I didn’t errantly add or omit anything Dalton had done in his illustrious career, so I consulted IMDB for background. And since I couldn’t remember Jed’s last name in “Red Dawn” (it’s Eckhart, for those of you keeping score), I did a quick search for, well, “Red Dawn.” Under our happy little “Titles (Exact Matches)” section there are two listings: a “Red Dawn” from 1984 (which is the piece of cinematic splendor I’m looking for) and one for 2010. At first I figured this is some cheesy straight-to-DVD-SciFi-post-apocalyptic piece of trash that’s banking on name recognition. But I clicked the link anyway. SWEET. BABY. JESUS. NO!!!!!!!

That’s right kids, Hollywood (in it’s ever-plodding assault on my childhood) is remaking that timeless documentary (shamelessly ripped from the Ammunation loop in “GTA:SA”). And as much as I look past the inaccuracies and plot holes in the original today (in ‘84 I didn’t look past the RPGs and dead Commies), I can’t let this pass.

First, the cast is shit.

Jed is being played by some Australian tool whose acting highlights include being on some Australian show called “Home and Away” (which I assume is some kind of Aussie “Dawson’s Creek”) and playing the unknown and less pimptastic Kirk brother in the latest “Star Trek” flick. Oh, and he’s going to be Thor in 2011, with an Avengers movie slated the following year; this leads me to believe that Hollywood is going to firmly 86 another of my favorite childhood memories soon. Anyway, the kid is 26 and looks all of 18. Let me reiterate that – he wasn’t born when the original came out, likely has no memory of the Cold War, and is supposed to be the elder statesman of the Wolverines. Yeah. In contrast, Dalton was 32 when the original came out, trying to play a YOUNGER character.

Jed’s younger brother Matt is being portrayed by that used-to-be-fat-kid from the Nick series “Drake and Josh,” who hasn’t had a remotely serious role since “Drillbit Taylor.” I rest my case.

Robert, the nice-kid-turned-bloodthirsty-Commie-killer, will be played by the lead kid from “Journey to the Center of the Earth” (2008) and “Bridge to Terabithia.” I have seen neither of these, but I suppose I can reserve judgment on this one.

The leading ladies, Toni and Erica, are being played by a hot chick that’s done several “Robot Chicken” episodes (so she’s cool) and a hot Aussie chick who played in the same series as Thor up there and was also in “Transformers 2.” Could be okay, but not remotely close to Jennifer Grey and Lea Thompson. Nope, sorry.

And here’s where it gets REALLY good. Mayor Bates, I mean Jenkins, and his treasonous, whiny, pussified, traitor of a son Daryl. Remember them? Well, the latest batch of Wolverines have apparently been to the Diversity Training seminars put on by the Partisan Human Resources department, because they’re black now. Cast as the mayor (rumored) is the guy whose sole claim to fame that I know of is playing the HIV-positive husband of the HIV-positive nurse from “ER.” Oh, it gets better: cast to play is son is the slightly darker son of the ghostly Nicole Kidman and her brainwashed ex, Tom Cruise, Connor Cruise. I’m fairly certain his 4 episodes of “Melrose Place” will serve him well….. Also Danny, the whiny sycophant, has been diversified as well. You haven’t heard of the guy.

Odd additions include Julie (don’t remember that one, neither does IMDB), played by some chick who has a 56-episode run on “As the World Turns,” and Mark Schlereth (aka, “The Only Man Who Loves Himself More Than I Love Myself”) is rumored to be cast as Coach Donlen (who didn’t exist in the original either).

Notable omissions as of right now include any of the Wolverines’ support staff like Mr and Mrs Mason; Jed and Matt’s dad (who you kinda need for a background on how Jed and Matt can survive); and Robert’s dad, known only as Mr. Morris (who you kinda need to explain the bloodthirsty rage later on). Also missing, thus far, is one of my personal heroes: Lt Col Andrew F. “It was 5 to 1; I got 4″ Tanner. Rumors abound that Jeffrey Dean Morgan (best known to me as the Comedian in “Watchmen”) is in final negotiations. That could be cool. Oh, and they haven’t cast a single, dirty, Commie yet. That’s right kids – a scheduled release date of a year and 10 days from now and IMDB knows of not a single villain.

The people behind the camera are shady. So maybe we could pull something off with a bunch of unknowns with a solid production team. You know, kind of like the original. Ummmmm.

The director is a virgin. He has tons of “Second Unit Director” -WTF-ever that is – experience on some decent films. His potential redeeming quality is that he’s been the stunt coordinator on some pretty kickass films like the last 2 Bourne movies, “Crank” and “Swordfish.” I’ll ignore that he performed the same work on dogshit like “Cradle 2 The Grave”, “Friday After Next”, and “Monkeybone.” I’m just not seeing where the super-duper stunts play in this one. Surprise me, just don’t turn into some douchey Michael Bay clone.

The screenplay was written by the guy who did “The Last House on the Left”, “Disturbia”, 2 episodes of “Xena: Warrior Princess” and an episode of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” This could take a pretty sweet turn into the horror genre, but no.

The writer has done nothing I’ve ever heard of, but may find his way onto my permanent “will punch in the nuts if I ever meet” list because he’s also signed on to do a remake of “Missing in Action.” Wait, W.T.F.???? I will hurt you if you screw this up, boy.

So, can it be done? Ummmmm, maybe???? I’m doubtful.

The whole premise is full of alligator shit.

Okay, so the announced plot is that the Chinese invade the US this time. Since I guess we won the Cold War, we can’t exactly use the Russkis again. And even the post-9/11 world, let’s face it: Hajis can’t invade shit. So, we’re left with the Chinese. I can almost, ALMOST see that. Oh, but wait, the Russkis jump in on the side of the Chinese!!! CUT!

First of all, the Russkis ain’t Commies anymore (notionally). And they Russkis and Chinese ain’t fans of one another. At ALL. And at least in the original there were logical avenues of approach (Russkis through Alaska/West Coast, our little brown brothers from the south came straight north and bisected the country). THAT made sense. This doesn’t. You have one beachhead. Both of the attackers are coming from the same direction, and neither want the far side of the Mississippi.

Second, in the original NATO had dissolved. Today, NATO has half of the former USSR in the membership. Where’s the UN threatening to sanction and/or write a nasty note? Has the UN dissolved? By God, this movie may have a happy beginning, at least!! At what point did the Chinese manage to mass the amphibious and/or airborne assault capabilities to pull this off? Remember guys, it’s a hell of a lot easier crossing the Bering Strait or the Texas-Mexico border than the whole damn Pacific Ocean, all while maintaining the element of surprise.

Lastly, why the U.S. (besides, because the script says so)?? Every invasion is basically one country perpetrating armed robbery on another, whether it be for resources, religion or land. What, pray tell, do we have the Chinese (and later the Russkis) want? Our resources aren’t anything that can’t be found on the landmass. The LAND isn’t anything that can’t be found on the landmass. We’re mostly industrialized now, so no great wilderness. What are they doing, invading us to give to Mexico? Basically, the Marine in me asks why they’d run a 6000+ mile supply line for this chunk of dirt. It don’t add up, tactically speaking.

So, this has the potential to blow goats. Lots of them. Repeatedly. Thank you, Hollywood, for taking another stab at my precious childhood. I get their reasoning, that my generation now have jobs that probably don’t involve cutting lawns on the weekends and thus, money to spend on this, but just STOP. Is there THAT much more you can do? At least do what Lucas did at first – release prequels. Or digitally remaster the originals. I would seriously shell out $30 for “Red Dawn” on Blu-Ray. Come on, gunning down Commies in High Def? That’s just FULL of win.

Since you people don’t seem to have a clue what the rest of us are into, let me give you words of advice. Don’t ever remake “War Games”, “Tron” (which I’ve heard is being kicked around), “The Running Man”, or “Weird Science.” I don’t have the strength. Oh, and be careful on that “Missing in Action” project. Remember that God is watching. If Chuck Norris lets him.