EU wants to take advantage of Obama’s pandering to Europe, take over Internet

So I see this on my RSS feed today, and well, I’m not surprised. It seems that the head of the European Union‘s IT department wants ICANN to break away from the Department of Commerce when its contract ends in September. At present, because of said contract with Commerce, disputes are decided in California courts. And that should be fine for the EU, I would think, since California is about as pinko of a state as you can get here. But no, that’s not enough for her. She’d rather it be handled in a truly European (read: Socialist) fashion.

Now let me stop you right and say that I agree with her sentiment that ICANN should be wholly privatized. While it’s nice to say that we do in fact control the exit signs on the information highway, I don’t think that sort of responsibility should be entrusted to the government. But her suggestion is absurd on its face. She suggests that there be a commission formed of 15 members: 3 each from Asia and Australia, 2 from the remaining continents, and a non-voting member from ICANN. She suggests a “G12 for Internet governance” and even went so far as to say that the UN is a good candidate, but won’t be able to respond quickly. Well, at least she realizes that the UN is ineffectual as a governing body, but anyway….

First, what’s with the “non-voting member” from ICANN? Why do we need a member that doesn’t have a vote? If there’s no vote, call it an “advisor” from ICANN. If it’s a member of the board, give it a vote. Simple. Now on to the really absurd part. I get 3 members from Asia, because they’re blowing up over there (and there’s the whole Chinese threat to fracture DNS), but Australia? Don’t get me wrong I love our awkward cousins from Down Under, but why do they rate 3 votes? And further, why does North America get lumped in with the rest (especially Africa)??

According to this there are about 105 MILLION domain names actively registered at any given time. According to this, North America holds the title on about 72 million of them. So, you know, more than two-thirds of all the domain names in the world are registered over here. That just MIGHT hold a little weight. And while Europe is being kind and all that to the rest of the world, even though European countries hold half of the top 10 spots, do either of us (or South America) deserve to be on par with freaking AFRICA?? Last I heard, there were more Somali pirates than ISPs in that stinking hole of a continent (been there, can speak to it from experience, shut up).

And lest I forget this one other little smidgen – WE GAVE YOU THE FREAKING INTERNET TO BEGIN WITH!!! Frankly, I think you guys are being a little ungrateful. Think, if not for our beautiful gift of ARPANET, millions of Eastern European girls wouldn’t be able to charge $9.95 to showcase their talents fellating livestock. So here’s an idea, Ms. EU-IT-Director: You suggested a “G12 of Internet Governance,” how ’bout we just let the G12 pick members and run it that way?? As far as international working groups go, that one hasn’t been a total cluster. Failing that, get out of this whole Socialist mindset and realize where your target market is. Trust me, what China tried was amateurish. You want a fractured DNS? Imagine if you couldn’t get to google.com because your DNS servers weren’t on OUR list? Uh huh.

Of course, I have to explain my headline and the last quote in the article does it for me succinctly: “I trust that President Obama will have the courage, the wisdom, and the respect for the global nature of the Internet to pave the way in September for a new, more accountable, more transparent, more democratic, and more multilateral form of Internet governance.” Seriously, that is just TRANSPARENT pandering to him, what with his behavior on his first trip across the pond. I mean damn, why not just drop the dude an email? You wouldn’t exactly be pushing him to a decision that way, not using the media and all, but still.

But in the end, I imagine that this small accommodation will be made. And in 10 years we’ll realize what a mistake it was. And it’ll take the next 20 years to regain control and get it straightened out again. Seriously, ICANN being “run” by a group that’ll be drug around by Europeans?? Well, unless the Germans set the standards. Yeah, that might actually work.