I got a text from my buddy at 2112: “Lane Kiffin just took the SC job.” My first reaction was simply, “What??????? I though Mariucci was taking it.” Then, remembering my dance with the devil just yesterday, I reminded him, “Don’t believe it until the presser. Like we did with Kirby.” And I went back to what I was doing. Then I got done and fired up the evil, demon interwebs and found this as breaking news on Yahoo. And the message boards, they were a burnin’.

So it turns out that, really, honestly, Kiffykins is headed back to where it started. ESPN reported it, so I tended to believe it (more than say, Rivals and footballcoachscoop.com and Pollack’s Twitter feed). And then came this (h/t: BusterSports.com). Wait, did he just zing Fulmer on his way OUT THE DOOR with that “leaving here 14 months later with a lot better team than we were 14 months ago” comment? Wow, first you took the man’s job and now you’re saying that in 14 whole months you made that much improvement? Dude, you went 7-6 and got it handed to you in the Chick-Fil-A bowl.

I’ve just got to wonder if it had something to do with the NCAA sanctions. Not the minor violations he’s managed to rack up at UT, along with the hostesses that he “didn’t have knowledge of” and one of his prize recruits just pleading guilty to attempted robbery. No, what I’m saying is that in 14 months at UT that wasn’t good enough for Lane “Sanction Express” Kiffin. He needs a school with a foundation and tradition in that particular area.

Oh, just so nobody’s worried about the Kiffykins Crew, Daddy and Orgeron are packing up to. And like the hotel guest that takes a towel or two, they’re going to try to sneak a few amenities out in their luggage. Like all 8 recruits that enrolled early and are were set to start classes tomorrow. Well, that’s ballsy for sure. I’m not sure if that’s smart considering this happened (NSFW pics in the link). But that’s all water under the dam, right? Right??

Well Vol Nation, even though we (for the most part) cordially detest each other I’m not here to rub it in. I didn’t get any real grief from you guys on the Kirby thing, except for that one goober, so I’m going to give you insight into this Dawg fanatic’s mind. I’m going to tell you how to scare the Silver Britches off of the collective Bulldawg Nation: Hire the right guy this time. I’m not being flippant. Last year’s shellacking aside, I was never really worried about UT as long as Lane and his reanimated DC Daddy were at the helm. Your program was being run by an entire pack of blind squirrels. At least you didn’t have to wait 3 years for the problem to get rectified (ahem).

I know a lot of names are already being thrown around for the vacancy and that time is SO of the essence, what with National Signing Day right around the bend. Your need has finally taken over the spotlight in the SEC, so I thank you.

• I know a lot of folks want Muschamp, but I think it’s a pipe dream – his gig is too sweet down at the other UT.
• I’ve heard Mike Leach – WTF-ever. Yeah, the only thing to counter the drama and crazy you just had is with MORE crazy….
• Gruden – not likely. He’s got ties to the program, but those were a long time ago. He’s an NFL guy now. Your chances of getting him are about as good as us getting our now-NFL guy, Van Gorder.
• Patterson – DECENT chance, but the timetable is too short for you. He might like to come to a AQ school, though. If you weren’t concerned with trying to keep or replace those 8 guys following Pied-Orgeron’s flute it might be worth a shot.
• Calhoun from Air Force – I believe he was a finalist when you hired the last guy. I think the time table works against you again. And he wouldn’t scare me much.

Here’s an idea that would scare me to death: Look to your tree and get a guy who’s come home several times. A guy with SEC ties and a successful track record as a HC in the conference. A guy who coached up your golden calf and his brother. He’s a head coach in the basketball conference (ACC) right now. Some guy named Cutcliffe.

Look, the man can coach. Period. He took a pretty rank Ole Miss squad and did some pretty good things. In 6 seasons, he had 5 winning seasons and never had a losing record until his last. He was 4-1 in bowl games (counting his first when he took over when TTubbs ran to Auburn), including a Cotton Bowl win in 2003 when he tied for a share of the West with eventual BCS champs LSU. And it’s not like he left that team in shambles – Houston Nutt brought his heavy run offense to the table and took them to the Cotton Bowl the following year.

His next, and current, HC gig took him to Durham. They’re not awful. In his first year Duke won the same number of games as they did in the last 4 years COMBINED. They improved another win last year, against a pretty tough schedule. I’d bet that he takes them to a bowl in the upcoming season. The man can flat out coach. Oh, don’t forget about the last SEC guy that took Duke from the crapper, whipped them into respectability, then came back to the SEC. Here’s a hint –

So maybe Cutcliffe isn’t the second coming of Darth Visor. Maybe we have that already in Meyer and Saban. Maybe I’m pulling your collective Rocky Top chains. Maybe I just wanted an excuse to post a pic of Erin Andrews (that would be a good guess if I actually NEEDED an excuse). All I’m saying is that Cutcliffe would make UT, in my silly little mind, relevant in the SEC East discussion.

Anybody who pay attention to college football in general, or Georgia football in particular, knows the drama. A quick synopsis for the unwashed – Mark Richt gave most of the Bulldawg Nation an early Christmas present by deciding not to rehire Willie Martinez as Defensive Coordinator next year. This was good. Then the drama started. We offered Bud Foster of Va Tech – he stayed for a 5-year annuity worth $1M. Then the word, which I’m still not sure whether or not to believe, is that Vic Koenning of Kansas State turned us down to go be Ron Zook’s coordinator at Illinois. Then former Tennessee DC John Chavis parlayed our offer into a healthy raise to stay at LSU right around New Year’s. Then things got QUIET. The only names seriously mentioned were Todd Grantham, a line coach for the Cowboys and Kirby Smart, the DC for Alabama.

The lull was understandable – the Cowboys were prepping for their Wild Card game against the Eagles and the Tide were prepping for their MNC game against Texas. Another name sort of surfaced in the lull – Travis Jones, who is a line coach for the Saints, who are also preparing for the playoffs. Anyway, it’s a lull – things happen when a fanbase has time to let their imaginations wander. So, during the pre-MNC pressers, Kirby states that he’s happy with Alabama and has no desire to leave. Okay, I can live with that – it’s honest and doesn’t waste anyone’s time. Attention is turned to Grantham and, hedging bets, Jones.

Then the MNC goes to the Tide. Kirby’s got his Broyles Award (top assistant coach in all of college football) and an MNC as DC. But lots of folks (Tide fans ESPECIALLY) are saying that it’s Saban’s defense and that all Kirby does is call the plays within the scheme Saban sets up. Hmmmm. Kirby even gets mentioned as a candidate for the recently vacated Texas Tech position by Brent Musberger during the broadcast. Hmmmm. Then the TT prez, who was in attendance at the MNC game, says “Nope. Sorry. Purely coincidental.” And hires Tommy Tuberville a few days later. So, Kirby’s still the DC at Bama making not quite $400k a year.

Then something happens right after the MNC – Kirby says that he hasn’t talked to Mark Richt “in weeks” which leads my silly mind to believe that he would have had to have talked to him weeks ago. I doubt Richt was asking a 34-year-old fresh DC for recommendations for applicants. Well, maybe Richt was asking for an extra donation from the alumni to help pay for the new guy. Then, this Saturday, news (and rumors) start flooding the web.

David Pollack gave me the first hint by saying that UGA made a SMART decision for their DC on his Twitter feed. Then Rivals.com reports that Georgia has formally offered the DC job to Kirby. A small charter jet leaves from Dekalb-Peachtree airport (Ben Epps in Athens was apparently closed) and heads to Tuscaloosa, stays for an hour, then returns Saturday night. The speculation builds. Pollack reiterates his stance all Sunday on Twitter. Interesting.

Monday morning rolls around. Footballcoachscoop.com reports that Smart has accepted the offer to become Georgia’s next DC. Rivals.com shortly reports the same thing. A small charter plane leaves Ben Epps airport in Athens, bound for Tuscaloosa, at about 0830. Holy crap, this might actually be happening!! The plane stays all day. Through lunch. Excitement and rampant speculation abound. Talk begins that Smart will actually get Jones to come onboard as part of the staff. Speculation about the contract says that it’s 3 or 4 years, worth $700k or $800k per year. Then IT happens.

Tide coach Nick Saban, at a press conference with one of his (former) players announcing his intention to turn pro, announces that Kirby is staying put. Shortly after, a statement is released by Smart himself, saying how happy he is in Tuscaloosa, how he has a great mentor in Saban, how Georgia holds a special place in his and his wife’s heart (she’s an alum, too), etc. And the collective blog and other internet pundits of the Bulldawg Nation (after picking their collective chins up) go to their corners.

I was a part of this. A huge part. In honesty, I was at the head of the charge of the cavalcade of crazy. I watched the private flight information on the web. I even setup an email alert for flight plans and advisories for the plane that flew down this morning. I engaged every source, real and imagined, that I had for information. I had my hopes set SO high for this hire, and the upcoming season. So, yeah, it’s personal. And in case you couldn’t tell yet, I’m firmly entrenched in the camp of “Kirby Smart has lost his Athens privileges FOREVER” and object to his being hung by the neck from a Sanford Stadium goal post until dead, dead, dead in only the most pedestrian fashion. And here’s why:

First, those of you who are taking his side by saying you can’t fault his decision to stay with a proven winner, etc only AFTER he turned us down are placating suckers. I’ll get to why, in this case, the medium is the message in a minute. Those of you who are suddenly saying that you weren’t that sold on him as a good candidate only AFTER he turned us down are either fence-sitters who didn’t say a word throughout this whole drama or, at worst, hypocrites – you were just as geeked up about this (potential) hire as I was. And being that I’ve never let tact or other people’s feelings get in the way of saying what’s on my mind……

There are myriad reasons why he could have decided to stay, but first let me get to why he could have said YES to his Alma Mater. First of all, it’s his Alma Mater. The place that traded his better-than-average skills as a defensive back for an undergraduate degree. The place that gave him a job in the football program not once, but twice. The place that needed him right now. Then there’s the whole “living in Saban’s shadow” thing. Richt offered him full control of the defense – play calling, scheme, assistants, EVERYTHING. A place he could really make his mark if he turned the defense around – not a terribly difficult task considering his predecessor. And then there’s the money – basically doubling your salary to work closer to home, at your Alma Mater, with full control. Pretty heady stuff, I’d think.

But that wasn’t good enough. Maybe, by staying, he’s saying that he doesn’t think HE’S good enough. I can actually get on board with that, schadenfreude-free. He’s a young guy, and he’s certainly riding Saban’s coattails to some degree, learning how to be a great coach. Had he said this last week, or even turned the job down without further comment, I would bear no ill will. But he’s known for at least THREE DAMN WEEKS that this was coming. And he did nothing to dispell the rumors. He embraced it. According to Pollack, he even signed a “term sheet” and then backed out.

So here’s the PERCEPTION of the thing, which in this day and age, is the REALITY: Smart used his Alma Mater, and the drama surrounding his potential hiring, to extort his current employer. How else can he spin it now? He’s getting a huge raise, which almost certainly deserved after this season, after a long dance with another school (have I mention that it’s his Alma Mater?), after reportedly coming to a gentleman’s agreement to work there. He’s put his Alma Mater’s fanbase in a huge tizzy, only to let them down. He’s made his Alma Mater look bad in front of the nation: He had a deal that would have made him the third-highest paid assistant in college football and, for some reason hidden behind his canned quotes, turned it down.

The only thing worse, after all of that, than him staying for a big payday is NOT getting a big payday. If his new contract at Bama is less than $600k per year for multiple years, that says to me that Georgia’s so effed up that it didn’t even take 50% to keep him away from the job. Now, any of the above would have been fine if he had just come out and said so earlier. Now he’s made his Alma Mater the schmucks of the college football world and left us STILL looking for that elusive DC hire. What about the guys we’re going to try to sell this job to (and that’s the point we’ve reached)?? Won’t they be wondering “What’s Wrong With Georgia” now that you got to H-hour and spit in our collective Dawg faces? Maybe he’s been working for Saban too long – I think he’s gone mercenary on us.

Well, I can tell you this much Kirby: One day, many years from now, you may come back to Sanford Stadium to celebrate the anniversary of one of the teams you were on, and MOST of the fans who have been the unwitting cast of this soap opera will cheer you for what you did as a player – me included. But know that from now until that day, when you step Between The Hedges you’ll be the enemy. I don’t care if you’re Bama’s DC or head coach, or a coach at the Armpit State School for Girl’s Basket Weaving, we’ll remember. And when Mark Richt retires? Forget it. Anyone who suggests you for the position will suffer hatred reserved only for Michael Adams. You took sides against the family. You’re nothing to us now. Not a brother, a friend, an alumnus, a potential coaching candidate. And no longer a DGD.

For my part, I’m going to be a huge Vikings and Cardinals fan this weekend. Maybe, just maybe, we can save some face and finally hire our DC. But somewhere, deep down, I’m rooting for another Van Gorder to be found. At a considerably cheaper rate than what we offered you. And I hope that your buddy Mike Bobo takes this personally and lights you up all the way until the triple zeroes show EVERY TIME you play us. I want to see you every year in Atlanta and I want to crush you and your SEC Championship dreams. And then I want to take you fishing, a la Fredo Corleone. You never take sides against the family. Ever.

First of all, he’s Dalton. FREAKING DALTON from “Roadhouse,” the movie that made every little boy want to become a bouncer. And he was Johnny from “Dirty Dancing,” which made being a male dance instructor seem less gay (and he was a pimp – that helped). “Ghost” was the penultimate 2nd base movie for high schoolers in the 90s, and he rocked that. Bodhi from “Point Break” made both surfing and bank robbing chic (helps that he played opposite uber-goober Keanu Reeves). And many other movies that I will stop channel surfing to watch: “Uncommon Valor“, “The Outsiders“, “North and South”, “To Wong Foo” (yeah, I said it), “Black Dog“, “Next of Kin”, and the list does go on. Pretty much anything except “Father Hood,” because that was a blatant sell out. And the ultimate movie for an 8-year-old-war-is-the-coolest-and-I-am-invincible-me: “Red Dawn.” The movie has tons of pop culture references (“GTA: San Andreas” comes immediately to mind). And this is part of the show where the heartfelt “R.I.P.” ends and the “W.T.F.” begins.

As I try to be as factual with my opinions as I can, I wanted to make sure I didn’t errantly add or omit anything Dalton had done in his illustrious career, so I consulted IMDB for background. And since I couldn’t remember Jed’s last name in “Red Dawn” (it’s Eckhart, for those of you keeping score), I did a quick search for, well, “Red Dawn.” Under our happy little “Titles (Exact Matches)” section there are two listings: a “Red Dawn” from 1984 (which is the piece of cinematic splendor I’m looking for) and one for 2010. At first I figured this is some cheesy straight-to-DVD-SciFi-post-apocalyptic piece of trash that’s banking on name recognition. But I clicked the link anyway. SWEET. BABY. JESUS. NO!!!!!!!

That’s right kids, Hollywood (in it’s ever-plodding assault on my childhood) is remaking that timeless documentary (shamelessly ripped from the Ammunation loop in “GTA:SA”). And as much as I look past the inaccuracies and plot holes in the original today (in ’84 I didn’t look past the RPGs and dead Commies), I can’t let this pass.

First, the cast is shit.

Jed is being played by some Australian tool whose acting highlights include being on some Australian show called “Home and Away” (which I assume is some kind of Aussie “Dawson’s Creek”) and playing the unknown and less pimptastic Kirk brother in the latest “Star Trek” flick. Oh, and he’s going to be Thor in 2011, with an Avengers movie slated the following year; this leads me to believe that Hollywood is going to firmly 86 another of my favorite childhood memories soon. Anyway, the kid is 26 and looks all of 18. Let me reiterate that – he wasn’t born when the original came out, likely has no memory of the Cold War, and is supposed to be the elder statesman of the Wolverines. Yeah. In contrast, Dalton was 32 when the original came out, trying to play a YOUNGER character.

Jed’s younger brother Matt is being portrayed by that used-to-be-fat-kid from the Nick series “Drake and Josh,” who hasn’t had a remotely serious role since “Drillbit Taylor.” I rest my case.

Robert, the nice-kid-turned-bloodthirsty-Commie-killer, will be played by the lead kid from “Journey to the Center of the Earth” (2008) and “Bridge to Terabithia.” I have seen neither of these, but I suppose I can reserve judgment on this one.

The leading ladies, Toni and Erica, are being played by a hot chick that’s done several “Robot Chicken” episodes (so she’s cool) and a hot Aussie chick who played in the same series as Thor up there and was also in “Transformers 2.” Could be okay, but not remotely close to Jennifer Grey and Lea Thompson. Nope, sorry.

And here’s where it gets REALLY good. Mayor Bates, I mean Jenkins, and his treasonous, whiny, pussified, traitor of a son Daryl. Remember them? Well, the latest batch of Wolverines have apparently been to the Diversity Training seminars put on by the Partisan Human Resources department, because they’re black now. Cast as the mayor (rumored) is the guy whose sole claim to fame that I know of is playing the HIV-positive husband of the HIV-positive nurse from “ER.” Oh, it gets better: cast to play is son is the slightly darker son of the ghostly Nicole Kidman and her brainwashed ex, Tom Cruise, Connor Cruise. I’m fairly certain his 4 episodes of “Melrose Place” will serve him well….. Also Danny, the whiny sycophant, has been diversified as well. You haven’t heard of the guy.

Odd additions include Julie (don’t remember that one, neither does IMDB), played by some chick who has a 56-episode run on “As the World Turns,” and Mark Schlereth (aka, “The Only Man Who Loves Himself More Than I Love Myself”) is rumored to be cast as Coach Donlen (who didn’t exist in the original either).

Notable omissions as of right now include any of the Wolverines’ support staff like Mr and Mrs Mason; Jed and Matt’s dad (who you kinda need for a background on how Jed and Matt can survive); and Robert’s dad, known only as Mr. Morris (who you kinda need to explain the bloodthirsty rage later on). Also missing, thus far, is one of my personal heroes: Lt Col Andrew F. “It was 5 to 1; I got 4″ Tanner. Rumors abound that Jeffrey Dean Morgan (best known to me as the Comedian in “Watchmen”) is in final negotiations. That could be cool. Oh, and they haven’t cast a single, dirty, Commie yet. That’s right kids – a scheduled release date of a year and 10 days from now and IMDB knows of not a single villain.

The people behind the camera are shady. So maybe we could pull something off with a bunch of unknowns with a solid production team. You know, kind of like the original. Ummmmm.

The director is a virgin. He has tons of “Second Unit Director” -WTF-ever that is – experience on some decent films. His potential redeeming quality is that he’s been the stunt coordinator on some pretty kickass films like the last 2 Bourne movies, “Crank” and “Swordfish.” I’ll ignore that he performed the same work on dogshit like “Cradle 2 The Grave”, “Friday After Next”, and “Monkeybone.” I’m just not seeing where the super-duper stunts play in this one. Surprise me, just don’t turn into some douchey Michael Bay clone.

The screenplay was written by the guy who did “The Last House on the Left”, “Disturbia”, 2 episodes of “Xena: Warrior Princess” and an episode of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” This could take a pretty sweet turn into the horror genre, but no.

The writer has done nothing I’ve ever heard of, but may find his way onto my permanent “will punch in the nuts if I ever meet” list because he’s also signed on to do a remake of “Missing in Action.” Wait, W.T.F.???? I will hurt you if you screw this up, boy.

So, can it be done? Ummmmm, maybe???? I’m doubtful.

The whole premise is full of alligator shit.

Okay, so the announced plot is that the Chinese invade the US this time. Since I guess we won the Cold War, we can’t exactly use the Russkis again. And even the post-9/11 world, let’s face it: Hajis can’t invade shit. So, we’re left with the Chinese. I can almost, ALMOST see that. Oh, but wait, the Russkis jump in on the side of the Chinese!!! CUT!

First of all, the Russkis ain’t Commies anymore (notionally). And they Russkis and Chinese ain’t fans of one another. At ALL. And at least in the original there were logical avenues of approach (Russkis through Alaska/West Coast, our little brown brothers from the south came straight north and bisected the country). THAT made sense. This doesn’t. You have one beachhead. Both of the attackers are coming from the same direction, and neither want the far side of the Mississippi.

Second, in the original NATO had dissolved. Today, NATO has half of the former USSR in the membership. Where’s the UN threatening to sanction and/or write a nasty note? Has the UN dissolved? By God, this movie may have a happy beginning, at least!! At what point did the Chinese manage to mass the amphibious and/or airborne assault capabilities to pull this off? Remember guys, it’s a hell of a lot easier crossing the Bering Strait or the Texas-Mexico border than the whole damn Pacific Ocean, all while maintaining the element of surprise.

Lastly, why the U.S. (besides, because the script says so)?? Every invasion is basically one country perpetrating armed robbery on another, whether it be for resources, religion or land. What, pray tell, do we have the Chinese (and later the Russkis) want? Our resources aren’t anything that can’t be found on the landmass. The LAND isn’t anything that can’t be found on the landmass. We’re mostly industrialized now, so no great wilderness. What are they doing, invading us to give to Mexico? Basically, the Marine in me asks why they’d run a 6000+ mile supply line for this chunk of dirt. It don’t add up, tactically speaking.

So, this has the potential to blow goats. Lots of them. Repeatedly. Thank you, Hollywood, for taking another stab at my precious childhood. I get their reasoning, that my generation now have jobs that probably don’t involve cutting lawns on the weekends and thus, money to spend on this, but just STOP. Is there THAT much more you can do? At least do what Lucas did at first – release prequels. Or digitally remaster the originals. I would seriously shell out $30 for “Red Dawn” on Blu-Ray. Come on, gunning down Commies in High Def? That’s just FULL of win.

Since you people don’t seem to have a clue what the rest of us are into, let me give you words of advice. Don’t ever remake “War Games”, “Tron” (which I’ve heard is being kicked around), “The Running Man”, or “Weird Science.” I don’t have the strength. Oh, and be careful on that “Missing in Action” project. Remember that God is watching. If Chuck Norris lets him.

The offense looked great for about 5 minutes (that would be the first series). We mixed up looks, used the run to set up the pass, threw in a few wrinkles and actually came away from a 3rd and Goal with more than 3 points. From there on, I’m not sure what happened. A lot of it has to do with play calling, and a lot with execution. I’m still not sure why we got away from the run (at least before Mighty Mouse, aka Carlton Thomas, fumbled after getting hammered trying to run between the tackles). I haven’t heard anything about Samuels having an injury issue, so I can assume it was by design. Of course, when you abandon the run and actually manage to give the QB time to go through his progressions the receivers have to catch the ball.

On that, first let me give a huge bunch of kudos to the O-line. I don’t know what game the people that are bad mouthing them watched, but that is certainly a strength this year. It’s a shame we lost Sturdivant for the year (again), but it’s not nearly as dire as it was last year. Consider that most of those Sophomores and Juniors wouldn’t have that kind of experience under their belts until late Junior or Senior year, and know that things are bright for a few years to come.

As to the passing game, well…. I get it that Cox was suffering from the flu and that it took TONS of cajones to even suit up and play that well. I even get that some of his passes weren’t that crisp and he missed a few – nerves, flu, adrenaline all can do that. But he missed some easy passes, and he missed some really open receivers (think that last INT). I’m already over the comparisons to the Tereshinski-Stafford season. Unless Cox gets hurt, then maybe we can see Mettenburgermeister fill in for Murray after he loses his confidence, before Murray gets his head on straight and comes back at the end of the Mettenburgermeister’s first career start and then go on to… What? Who? Gray? Oh hell, maybe we can just do a quick conversion to the Spread. What? The backup QB (Gray) lined up at PR again on Saturday? Um, methinketh “Backup QB” is an honorary title, sir.

Back on point now. On the passes that were just a little off, these receivers have to step up. I never played college ball, but I’d bet that the rule is the same as when I played in high school: If you can get your hands on it (or it hits you in the chest, Mr. Charles), you should catch it. ‘Nuff said.

About the running game, I’ll say this: If it works, don’t screw with it. A good push up front = 3 yards and a cloud of dust. A guy named Dooley did a pretty sweet job with that a few decades ago. In the age of spread offenses and smaller, faster defensive players to counter that, maybe you’ve got a paradigm shift that works. Like on the first series that scored a TD. Also, I keep reading about how Samuels ALMOST broke long a couple of times. Why didn’t this happen? Because he gets tackled where Knowshon kept going for 4 more yards. Not a criticism, per se, but the Bulldog Nation needs to realize that the Filet Mignon got drafted by the Broncos and we’re back to eating New York Strip. Finally, Carlton Thomas may be BUILT like Warrick Dunn, but he ISN’T Warrick Dunn. Keep the kid on the outside of the tackles until he gets a few more sandwiches in him.

There comes a time when you can prepare too much. Think about it – CMR and Company have been prepping for this game since JANUARY. From 8 months of Mike Bobo‘s work came a beautifully scripted first series that got us a TD. I think the rest of the time he actually out-thought himself, or maybe he over-experimented. When you’re getting a good balance and good results, keep it up. When their shutdown CB is off the field, throw to your star WR. When Perrish Cox went to sidelines, it’s like Bobo thought for sure it would open up the underneath routes on the other side, rather than launching it for AJ against an inferior defender. Don’t out scheme yourself, coach.

I’m not willing to anoint the defense as fixed, cured, or a team strength just yet. OSU killed themselves with the penalties (and we should KNOW how that affects an offense), we got zero sacks, barely generated a pass rush and lost the turnover battle 0 – 3 (not that we didn’t have opportunities). Let’s not forget that OSU appeared to be more balanced (Offense to Defense) and that this was their first game, too. And they were REALLY under pressure to have a good coming out at their new T(Boone Pickens)aj Mahal. On the plus side, we held them to under 4 yards per carry (albeit giving up 170+) and held their stud WR to 3 catches (albeit 2 of them for TDs). On the other hand, One Scheme Willie did have the aforementioned 8 months to prepare for this one, and OSU didn’t make any adjustments at halftime, really. Of course, our boy OSW didn’t either. The D didn’t look clueless, didn’t try to shoulder tackle, and considering how long they spent on the field against a team running a different tempo every other play, performed pretty OK.

Special Teams was again typically, hell – STEREOtypically, atrocious. Wait for that one to cost us the win that will be the difference between the C1 bowl and the Chik-Fil-A, and maybe we can get a full-time ST coach. I can’t say anymore than that the punter did well, in spite of the odds.

I will not mention the refs in this one, except to say that the calls were decidedly in our favor (that is to say, fair) in the first half and polarly opposite (that is to say, T Boone passed out a few envelopes at the break) in the second. Really, the officials made a few atrocious calls on both sides, usually one making up for the other, and there isn’t a whole lot to complain about with the OFFICIATING. That sissy “don’t hit the receiver when he’s extending for the ball” rule (i.e., Powder Puff Touch Football) is going to do the same thing to football that changing the strike zone did to MLB about 10 years ago. That is to say, make it frustratingly difficult for the great players and that much better for the average players. I thought we already had parity, more or less, in College Football. We don’t need this crap.

But take heart kids, this should be the worst game we see all year. And it was a non-conference game. Ask any coach or pundit worth their salt and they’ll tell you that greatest improvement a team makes is between game 1 and game 2. You can scrimmage all you like, but unless you play a patsy that is basically a pre-season game (you know, like Charleston Southern, Western Kentucky, Troy, Jackson St, Western Carolina, or any other school that either has a direction in the first part of their name or doesn’t have a “B” as the second letter of their division) playing the long game. A win would have been great, but we’ve had our best seasons when we play a solid first week opponent (although we’ve WON those games). All is not lost, Bulldog faithful. Use this Saturday as your measuring stick before deciding how early to start calling for heads on platters. The season starts with the SEC, and that season starts at 7:06 PM Between The Hedges this Saturday. I don’t know what the line is, but I’d wager (well, not really) that if you lost money by picking the Dawgs last weekend, you can make it back. I expect a nastiness and a swagger that we always have when we play the Chickens. I REALLY hope I’m right.

Now let me stop you right and say that I agree with her sentiment that ICANN should be wholly privatized. While it’s nice to say that we do in fact control the exit signs on the information highway, I don’t think that sort of responsibility should be entrusted to the government. But her suggestion is absurd on its face. She suggests that there be a commission formed of 15 members: 3 each from Asia and Australia, 2 from the remaining continents, and a non-voting member from ICANN. She suggests a “G12 for Internet governance” and even went so far as to say that the UN is a good candidate, but won’t be able to respond quickly. Well, at least she realizes that the UN is ineffectual as a governing body, but anyway….

First, what’s with the “non-voting member” from ICANN? Why do we need a member that doesn’t have a vote? If there’s no vote, call it an “advisor” from ICANN. If it’s a member of the board, give it a vote. Simple. Now on to the really absurd part. I get 3 members from Asia, because they’re blowing up over there (and there’s the whole Chinese threat to fracture DNS), but Australia? Don’t get me wrong I love our awkward cousins from Down Under, but why do they rate 3 votes? And further, why does North America get lumped in with the rest (especially Africa)??

According to this there are about 105 MILLION domain names actively registered at any given time. According to this, North America holds the title on about 72 million of them. So, you know, more than two-thirds of all the domain names in the world are registered over here. That just MIGHT hold a little weight. And while Europe is being kind and all that to the rest of the world, even though European countries hold half of the top 10 spots, do either of us (or South America) deserve to be on par with freaking AFRICA?? Last I heard, there were more Somali pirates than ISPs in that stinking hole of a continent (been there, can speak to it from experience, shut up).

And lest I forget this one other little smidgen – WE GAVE YOU THE FREAKING INTERNET TO BEGIN WITH!!! Frankly, I think you guys are being a little ungrateful. Think, if not for our beautiful gift of ARPANET, millions of Eastern European girls wouldn’t be able to charge $9.95 to showcase their talents fellating livestock. So here’s an idea, Ms. EU-IT-Director: You suggested a “G12 of Internet Governance,” how ’bout we just let the G12 pick members and run it that way?? As far as international working groups go, that one hasn’t been a total cluster. Failing that, get out of this whole Socialist mindset and realize where your target market is. Trust me, what China tried was amateurish. You want a fractured DNS? Imagine if you couldn’t get to google.com because your DNS servers weren’t on OUR list? Uh huh.

Of course, I have to explain my headline and the last quote in the article does it for me succinctly: “I trust that President Obama will have the courage, the wisdom, and the respect for the global nature of the Internet to pave the way in September for a new, more accountable, more transparent, more democratic, and more multilateral form of Internet governance.” Seriously, that is just TRANSPARENT pandering to him, what with his behavior on his first trip across the pond. I mean damn, why not just drop the dude an email? You wouldn’t exactly be pushing him to a decision that way, not using the media and all, but still.

But in the end, I imagine that this small accommodation will be made. And in 10 years we’ll realize what a mistake it was. And it’ll take the next 20 years to regain control and get it straightened out again. Seriously, ICANN being “run” by a group that’ll be drug around by Europeans?? Well, unless the Germans set the standards. Yeah, that might actually work.

So, I found out about my inguinal hernia at my new hire physical 4 years ago. It didn’t come as a great surprise, seeing as how I’m an idiot that doesn’t lift with his bad knees and used to sell and deliver heavy duty truck and trailer parts. At the time, the doc told me about it and told me that it wouldn’t be a problem unless it got bigger. His suggestion was to wait until it bothered me before having surgery. Sounded like a good idea to me, since surgery implies expensive stuff – insurance or not.

Well, I’m not really sure how I managed to exacerbate the problem but one morning in July I did. REALLY did. I just woke up early one morning with the feeling that my nuts were being run through a wringer. For those of you keeping score at home, this is not one of the more pleasurable things in life. On closer inspection, I discovered a bulge about the size of an extra large egg on the left side of my groin. Oh, so that’s what the problem is……

I managed to hobble my way into work and got an appointment for the doc later that morning. And “hobbled” is the right word. I was literally taking very small steps while walking around bow-legged in an effort not to pinch or squeeze the “egg” in my crotch. Not that it really helped because I couldn’t determine rhyme or reason or pattern or logic in what set the pain-o-meter off. I could move the exact same way and one time it was fine and the next time brought back the ol’ nut wringer.

So I get to the doc’s office and the receptionist tells me that I’ll have to see his PA (Physician’s Assistant) because the doc got hung up out of the office. Apparently, the look of abject pain didn’t answer her question about whether or not that would be okay. I told her that I’d let the janitor look at it if he could give me a surgical consult and some pain meds. So they show me back into the exam room and the PA comes in. She tells me, again, that if I’m not comfortable with a woman examining me that the doc is now on his way back. I repeat the comment about the janitor, to which she replies that I look like I’m in pain. Ya think???

Well, she takes her look and gives me the facial equivalent of, “Holy shit – look at that!” The next thing she asks is what I want for the pain. Nice, the doc is giving me a blank check on the pharmacy. Unfortunately, they can’t get me in for a consult with the surgeon until the next day so I can’t get anything really good – I still have to drive and function and stuff. What she gave me (and I can’t remember the name of the stuff for the life of me) was super-duper Tylenol. It was like 1500mg of time-release acetaminophen. Unfortunately, this made the pain tolerable but did nothing to stop it.

Next day comes along and I get to meet the surgeon finally. Cool – I’m expecting to be on the table by Friday (it was a Tuesday, btw), Monday at the latest. The surgeon takes a look, has me cough, pokes and prods and such and shocks the hell out of me. He says that he can fix the hernia on the right side while he’s in there fixing the left side. What hernia on the right side??? Sure enough, he has me do the cough test on myself and there is one – small, but there. Then he informs me that he’ll put in a couple of extra stitches on the way out of my belly button to fix the umbilical hernia I also have. What??? Another one I don’t know about? Shit, this is getting worse as we go along. By the way, I also have one above my belly button that I’ve had for at least 10 years. We can’t fix that one on this run, though. Super…..

Now for the next bit of good news – he can’t get me on the schedule for 2 weeks! Not next Monday, but the NEXT Monday. And what can he prescribe for pain that won’t turn me into a zombie? More of the same stuff I’m on now. Awesome. Well, I guess this is what I get for never going to the doctor. So I wait. And worry. And generally act like a little girl.

See, I’ve never been knocked out for the purposes of improving my health. Granted, I’ve been knocked out before and drank myself into a coma more times than is reasonable or healthy, but I’ve never been put to sleep. Just the phrase itself reminds me of euthanasia, and I’m not quite ready for that yet. So, my healthy skepticism of the medical profession in general coupled with my great distaste (I prefer “distaste” over “fear”) of the unknown and the fact that I know I’m going to be completely out of control of my fate and that I’m going to feel markedly worse when I wake up, you get a thoroughly freaked out Bill. Good times. I even went so far as to update my will and create a living will, which I’m told is standard practice and common sense but strikes me as a bit overly-dramatic.

I had my pre-surgical testing and stuff the Friday before at the hospital. I was not pleased about several things coming from this. First, they wanted my blood – well, a vial. After the Navy used me as a pincushion/dart board for all those years I got used to needles. I can handle shots, but feeling my life force leaving my body through a needle is something different. I almost always get lightheaded and have occasionally passed out. For the record, I did not pass out this time. The second thing that annoyed me was that the hospital was running NetWare for Windows. Great, I can’t even get a medical facility that’s left the 20th Century. Thirdly, they gave me the “Do Nots” list for the day before the surgery.

Included in this was Do Not take your meds for 2 days prior to the surgery because it had something to do with conflicts with the anesthesia or bleeding or something. Also, Do Not have anything to eat or drink after midnight the night before. Okay, they’re checking me in at 0800. Not great, but I can live that long I guess. By the way, Do Not have any nicotine after that stroke of 12 either. Look, I have to get up at 0630 to get everything situated to get to the hospital on time. You’re telling me that you want a freaked out Jarhead coming in for surgery and you’re going to allow him not food, nor coffee, nor nicotine for 8 hours? And you think this is a good idea? Right….

Well, I do almost all of this. I had some water about 0200 and a cigarette about 0300. I don’t think this will affect the success of the surgery and will probably spare a few people my wrath. Plus, they tell me that once I wake up I have to piss before they’ll let me go home. So I was trying to stay hydrated as much as possible because I was dead set on this being an outpatient procedure.

Everything was pretty cool at the hospital, though. They took me right back and got me dressed out. I never felt the nurse stick me for the IV. The coolest thing I remember is that the doc had prescribed a heartburn med through the IV and while the nurse was giving it she told me that I might get a metallic taste in the back of my mouth. As soon as she said this, I got the taste. This IV thing is some cool shit! What else can they deliver this way?? Nothing else that I remember.

They gave me Versed for my happy dose. I remember signing the consent form and I remember the anesthesiologist starting what I have learned is called an “IV push.” My next memory was from the operating room. According to Whit and her brother, who is an OR tech at the hospital, when the doc came in I tried to introduce him to Whit. Reportedly, the conversation went something like, “Hey doc! This is my,,,my,,,ummm,,,Fuck it.” It is also alleged that I said my nose itched and my attempt to scratch it resulted in me poking myself in the eye on the other side of my head. Repeatedly, without success. Since I don’t remember this, I question the veracity and refuse to take responsibility for anything else I said or did while under the influence.

I remember being in the Operating Room and I recall that they had folded the wings of the tables out so that I looked like they were about to crucify me (or had already). Had I not been so completely stoned I probably would have freaked the fuck out. I also remember them putting the warmest, most snuggliest towels ever all over me. Then somebody asked me if I was going to sleep and I replied that I was almost there. She told me to take a deep breath from the “oxygen mask” she had. My last conscious thought was that I couldn’t exhale into the thing because of the pressure.

When I came to in recovery, the first thing I did was look over at the anesthesiologist and say to her, “You tricked me.” She smiled at me and got my nurse. The nurse started checking vitals and such when the urge hit me. I asked her for a urinal, to which she responded that she’d get one in just a second. I told her that I was about to have an accident and that she should hurry. She handed me one of those blue plastic pee jugs and as she walked to the door said that she’d give me some privacy for a few minutes. Before she got the door open, I was done. I was surprised how dehydrated I was. For all the urge of my bladder feeling like it was going to burst, I squeezed out maybe an ounce of what looked like sweet tea. Whatever, I checked the box – let me out of here.

By the time the doc came back by, the nurse had rounded up Whit and everybody else had been by to check me out. I was waiting on him to come by and give me his blessing to leave. Oh, and drugs too. And boy, did he! He tells me that I’ll be in excruciating pain for a week and then I’ll feel better gradually. Because he’s such a swell guy, he gave me 30 of the big Lortab with a refill! And the refill is good for a year, for some reason. Well, whatever – let me out of here. So I manage to get dressed with minimal difficulties and Whit goes to get her truck to take me home.

This little candy striper offered me a wheelchair ride, which I refused on the grounds that I managed to dress myself without pain, thus I could make it to the front door on my own. My nurse then explained to me that the reason I had no pain was because I was feeling no pain at all because I was still stoned out of my gourd. While she was explaining this to me, I noticed that she got kind of blurry and then briefly cloned herself before my eyes. I took this as a sign that I should probably not try the whole walking thing at this moment.

So I got home without further incident. Let me preface the rest of this by saying that I rarely get sick. Sure, I get the sniffles and allergies and such, but if I don’t make it to work I’m simply using these symptoms as a crutch or an excuse to sleep in. The last time I was actually, honestly, really too sick to go in was about 4 years ago when I had walking pneumonia. Hand in hand, when I’m really sick I’m not such a Tough Guy. More accurately, I’m pitiful. So when we walk in the house I plop my ass down on the couch while Whit makes supper and whatnot.

When chow is ready and she tries to bring me a bowl on the couch, I promptly assert my manhood and walk (hobble) to the table and eat. Then I hobble back to the couch and assume the position again. Before being drugged, I made the rational decision to sleep on the couch for a couple of days rather than try to negotiate the stairs to the master bedroom by myself because Whit had the night shift for the 3 days following my surgery. This proved to be prophetic.

No, think of MySpace as the annoying, 10-year-old little sister. I’m talking about the grown up version of Social Networking, Facebook. I’m enjoying me some Facebook. And it’s adopted cousin (step-cousin?) Twitter. I’m digging these for a few reasons, most of which can be found rooted in laziness I guess. Most of the posts on this site are either sports related or very long and grammatically correct and all that jazz. The aforementioned cousins let me get away from all that and, well, interact with people.

First of all, I got into the whole SN business as part of my job. I wanted to A) verify that I could get to it when I needed to and, most importantly, B) block most of the retards on my network from goofing off there. So I’ve had these profiles for a couple of years and haven’t done much with any of them. Out of the blue, I get pinged by this chick I went to school with. That snowballed into me getting hit up by several others (most of whom I never would have guessed knew how to get on the internet), which made me wonder how many others I could track down. A lot. A LOT. I’ve found AT LEAST 80 people I’ve known throughout the years that I haven’t kept in touch with. I’m terribly remiss in correspondence and this just makes it oh so easy. For example, the dude who split my head open with one well-placed elbow. Family, lots of folks I went school with, old Jarheads, etc. Good times.

Second, it’s so informal. I can easily drop something on somebody’s wall and be done with it. There’s no formatting or organizing an email, because this is the internet’s way of running into somebody on the street. And it’s a good way to send a broadcast message to everybody without having to address it to them. So no more worrying about including everybody’s email (and getting on my Dad’s SPAMTO: list) or multiple emails to everybody leaving out whatever you don’t want them to know. If I want to broadcast it, it’s on my board; it’s not my fault you didn’t read it.

Thirdly, most importantly I think, is the mobility of it all. I made myself a Twitter account eons ago and even toyed with coding a Flash app that could sit on my desktop, just so I could tweet at will. Then I saw that a buddy of mine updated his status via Twitter and I thought that was a swell idea. Then I really got to thinking about how nice it would be if I could just do all of this from my Crackberry. Lo and behold, it worked! They make mobile apps for EVERYTHING nowadays. How sweet is that? So, while I was waiting for the family-types to show up (late) for dinner, I was able to catch up with the Facebook messages and Tweet my displeasure with the general tardiness of women. NICE!!!!

So, the site will stay around and might even get updated for awhile if I can find the time away from my 2 new shiny vices online, and if there’s anything relevant for me to say that won’t fit on my wall…. And, provided that the site is dependable. I don’t want to think about how much time I spent just trying to get this new post page open. Note to self: think about reliable hosting sometime……

First, I can’t believe that we got a bid to the Capital One Bowl. That can only be attributed to Bama playing a good enough SEC Championship to receive a bid to the Sugar. A blowout by either team there and we’re playing in the Cotton or some other third-tier junk bowl. Send Bama a Thank You card, Dawgs. I haven’t broken down the Spartans yet, but I do know this – I’m terrified of what Javon Ringer might do to the defense that (didn’t) show up against Bama, UF and Tech. I’m not going to make another promise that I’ll break and tell you I’m going to give you a bowl breakdown before game time. I’ll try, but that’s all I have to say about that for now.

I think that Coach will have his way and get to keep Martinez for another season. But I believe there will be mass conditions attached. Like learning to anticipate and make adjustments. And not heading the biggest embarrassment to call itself a Georgia defense EVER. I’ve heard a lot of people say that they shouldn’t can him, but demote him and keep him as secondary coach or something. That’s like the commanding general firing a battalion commander but keeping him as the battalion’s executive officer. He’d have absolutely no respect from anyone, least of all the fans. Having said that, try – as hard as possible – to arrange for this guy to get a head coaching job somewhere. Preferably someone on our schedule….. It’s unconscionable for us to have the top rusher and passer in the conference and lose 3 shootouts like that. Let’s just all hold our breath, cross our fingers and hope for the best. And if anyone knows someone who’s a big booster at a school looking for a new head coach, put in a good word for Willie.

Now, the hot question is whether Stafford and Moreno are coming back. First, I’ve heard that Moreno is very serious about his education and because of that he’ll be returning. If that’s the case, great – we’ll have him for at least one more year. But think about it – how many players have gone out early for the draft and finished their degree later? There’s a lot of money riding on this. There is talk of a rookie salary cap, like in the NBA, coming to an NFL near you next year. Would he (can he) pass on that kind of money? Me, being poor and all, says that 10 mil is as good as 40 mil. But there’s another saying that, “a million here, a million there, and pretty soon you’re talking about real money.”

Same thing goes for Stafford. The guy is looking at top 5, maybe even number 1 money. He doesn’t want to be the next Matt Leinart (he lost at least 5 spots in the draft by staying in another year). But Stafford has one neither a Heisman nor a NC ring, as Leinart had when he made his decision to stay. And I think he’ll wait to see what some of these other guys are going to do. The Junior Class of college QBs is strong right now, but how many of them will be around next year? How many will he compete with not only on Saturdays, but on Draft Day? He’ll be a late entry, if at all, I think.

I’d like to think that these two fine young men will look at each other and say, “You know, let’s come back behind an experienced, healthy O line and run amok next year. Let’s finish what we started.” That’d be swell, gents. But, I also don’t worry too much if one or either of them go. If I had to choose one to lose, it’d be Knowshon. Yes, I said Knowshon. Samuel will be great if he can hold on to the ball and think a little more. That comes with experience. King will be great if he can get a killer instinct and not think so much. That can be taught. And there’s a host of great backs waiting in the wings to become the NEXT Knowshon.

Matt Stafford has a set of tools in his bag that you can’t teach. As great of a backup as I think Joe Cox is, he just isn’t physically able to make some of the throws and plays that Stafford can. David Greene won more games than any QB in college, even the great Peyton Manning. Who’s got the MVP, Super Bowl ring, and ginormous contract? The guy who’s a physical freak of nature at QB, that’s who. (hint: he wore Orange in college) Besides that, Mike Bobo has shown his love for the pass and the offense has shown great proficiency throwing the ball this season. Even without MoMass, AJ and company will strike terror into the hearts of SEC defenses next year. Add a stud like Stafford delivering the laser beams and you can use the pass to set up the run.

But seriously guys, nobody could really blame you for going pro and chasing the dollars. But you’d be Dooley-esque if you stayed and won a championship next year. Hell, you’d both be solid Heisman contenders and winning that would make you both Herschel-esque (whether you win it or not).

The recruits coming in are really not that important to me. Why? Because we (hopefully) won’t have that many holes to fill next year. Maybe that can be the start of a trend – reloading with RS Sophomores and Juniors rather than starting 4 Freshmen on the O line every 4 years. You can blame the first one on Donnan, this year falls squarely on the current staff. And I just don’t see an AJ or Rennie Curran (i.e., an impact Freshman) coming in this year. The prizes of the class are both QBs and Logan Gray is still a great talent waiting in the wings. Both of those boys will probably redshirt if Stafford comes back. And that’s good, because I’m tired of relying on Freshmen to win championships. The first time it worked, we got lucky and had enough Seniors to overcome them (Coach’s first SEC Championship). This year, it was painfully obvious that talent couldn’t overcome experience AND talent on the other side of the ball.

So, that’s the initial take of a few things I had to get off of my brain. I will do my best to get you guys my breakdown and predictions of the C1 bowl BEFORE kickoff, but again I make no promises. You wouldn’t believe the shit I’m doing at work, especially in a down economy. Maybe I’ll have time to BMWC about that later, too.